I don't have anything necessarily profound to say, so there's no real need to "brace yourself"... but I do plan on being quite candid. So, if you're reading this posting without my having had asked you to read it specifically, and feel as though you have been implied in the following reading, well, it's your own fault if you get offended. It is my blog, after all. And, of course, no harm was intended.
A good friend of mine recently divulged his unspoken, romantic feelings, to me - for me. I swear, I didn't see it coming and the news kind of hit like a mack truck... I mean, how am I so blind, sometimes? But, alas, there's no changing the past, so on to the future it is. Which is exactly what I wanted to talk about: the future.
Yesterday, after the Shakespearean confession had already taken place, I went to lunch with another friend who's pretty well removed from the situation, or at least enough so that I trust his opinion, when he gives it, to be unbiased. I told him the entire story from front to back, covering a large portion of the details and sort of just let him counsel from there... But here's the great part: I'm deeply religious, not something that I really try to hide, but sometimes something I forget to rely upon. Prime example: yesterday's lunch conversation; I was seeking out the opinion on another man instead of the supreme being upon whom I need to rely. Don't worry, He outfoxed the fox - as we (Gabe and I) are talking, various lines from my patriarchal blessing come rushing into my mind, all of which directing me in ways I never expected about my dating life. It was literally one of those lightbulb moments you always hear about but never experience - and I'll tell you what, it's madness when you finally do! Haha
It's really funny, when I finally had the appointment to get my blessing, the bishop told me to pray for the revelation to answers that I felt I needed, so I did. I prayed for at least two weeks straight to: 1. know what God would have me do with the rest of my life, what direction to take it in, and 2. more than anything, I needed some sort of something to tell me about my spouse (I may or may not have prayed for his name... Oh, silly, silly girl). I couldn't help but get disappointed, with that in mind, when I finally was given my blessing to hear one solitary line describing my spouse. ONE. I mean, it was definitely a good one, one that I couldn't even fully comprehend, at the time, but ONE!! Seriously?! What kind of an answer is that? God's answer, that's what. They weren't kidding when they said that He answers on his terms, not ours. Sheesh.
Well... the years passed and I started dating. I was still convinced that the thing was inexplicably vague and that God had decided that it was up to my discretion to find a mate - wooohoo. (Complete sarcasm, there.) Now for the climax... as I started dating with the honest intent of dating for marriage, (thank you, Provo) I began to realize, not everyone fit this one description. As a matter of fact, hardly anyone fit it! Okay, okay... Good to note, right? So I start looking for guys who did fit... and I found one. I was so happy. Like... sooo happy. But something wasn't quite right... so I go back to the drawing board (the blessing) and go over the plan again. It hits me, in that one description, there's actually another, hidden way back in the back, one that I had previously overlooked. And this new guy doesn't fit, anymore - instantaneous heartbreak.
Again, I begin my searching... this time with the two new requirements. I look, I seek, I try; nothing. Well, there were some... but those were largely playmates, only. Sorry, boys, sometimes the truth hurts. :) Which brings me to this past weekend! I date around, right? For 20 years, I look for someone to call my own for eternity, and I find one. One. One that fits every detail... right down to every misfitting detail, even. But I'm not satisfied, there has to be more, maybe even one better, right?
I go to church, this morning, and listen patiently to the talks... They're on repentance so I tune-in, figuring that the moment you don't feel as though you need the counsel, you need it more than ever. The first two speakers deliver what they have to say, I'm still not moved to any extreme degree, but am feeling the Spirit, so not all is lost. Then, the choir stands up and performs this song that I've heard many a times... my roommate Jessica is absolutely in love with it; it's pretty, and it's wonderful, but I guess I'd never really listened to the lyrics, fully. This time, though, I did... And I cried. It was Rob Gardner's "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee", and I don't think another church song has impacted me quite the same way. In a few words, it talks about how sometimes it seems as though Heavenly Father "hides his face" from us, where we feel as though we're disconnected from his presence, and thus is revelation. And I felt that way, oddly enough. I didn't realize it, but that's what I had been feeling! Heavenly Father was having me struggle for reasons unbenounced to myself and I almost felt I hadn't been forgotten, but rather that he was ignoring the dating part of my life...
I found yet another testimony builder, today, in the least expected moment. But more than anything, I found that He loves me enough to keep me away from destructive relationships... gives me the strength to stay away from selfish tendencies, and that he cares, pure and simple. I am so loved, I just fail to see the full dimensions of it, sometimes, much like I did with my patriarchal blessing. Although it doesn't seem this way, nine times out of ten, we are all loved more than we ever see or think possible. I just find it funny the times/places/ways God reminds us of said love.
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