Personally

You claim an outstanding genius

You claim far-reaching love

Theory says to use "I"

But with you there's never room

There's never that place for me

Only a synthetic whole, 

A bore deep into what you claim is your heart.

You speak of sunrises and warmth

There are moments of touch

Not all with me... 

Most not with me. 

You feel the physical when this,

What we have goes beyond

Your imagination couldn't put this into words

There's no dark cave to search in, this time. 

These professions of love might put me over

Breaking your heart might be the end of what we know... 

But perhaps, on an off chance

This isn't the end for either of us

Or at least.... not for me. 

How long before you make that definite decision? 

How long before your hand is forced? 

Evolution. 

Evolution. 

Are you really evolving? Or is it all in your closed-off mind? 

Don't fake who you are

I'm not fooled by your images

This facade is nothing more

I don't want your change, anyways

You say there's protection in your arms

Why, then, does my stomach coil to be there?

The contents of all abandon with that cold warmth

Hand on my neck, hand on my hand

Nothing feels closer to The Void than your presence

I'd hope for the cracking of your bones to bring me pleasure

But I know I'd be asking too much

Even in asking you to stop

It's always too much

For now, I'll flush you away

The memories, your words

Drowning in pristine white they float on

And as I walk over the canals they now inhibit

I smile.

So much more is in store, 

Perhaps that's one more thing you'll never comprehend.

My heart is elsewhere... 

But no where near the submerged filth of your world.

This love reaches a new plane, 

One you can't touch. 

One I can't not touch. 

I can be your surmise
But you're right... 
I am your affliction, not your affection

You claim so much

But you claim me. 

Don't you see? 

"You can do better than me... 

But I can't do better than you."

Spinach Salad With Strawberries

Spinach Salad With Strawberries (<--- You'll need this link to get the recipe that I'm talking about...)


I was thinking about "Julie and Julia", today, and Jessica's new push for us to start pretending we're really a couple (as in practice for marriage) by cooking/shopping together... so I start looking up these recipes, right? Well I don't know if this is what I'm going to be making for dinner, tonight, but it's definitely coming within the next week!


I'll keep you all posted on what I'll be making and how they've turned out.. Who knows, maybe, at the end, I'll wind up with a best-seller, too. :)





PS Pretty sure tonight will be the Garlic Asparagus & Pasta with a Lemon Cream Sauce.... Bon apetit!

Butterflies in Springtime

I'm so in love... :) I totally downloaded google chrome - so cool. And Ben's email today... Oh geez. :) :) Yeaaaah, life's pretty good. I have to admit. :) My goodness, I have freaking butterflies in my kneeeeee caps! And Jess is totally coming to class with me, today... Which I'm super stoked about! I seriously am so in love with my theory class. It's so fantastic. AND, I haven't really been getting excited about this whole "Ben's coming home!" thing... not because I don't want him to, but rather because it just hasn't really set in, you know? But it totally did, today!! Totally... did. :) Oh man, 7 weeks. That's... out of control! Sheesh! I'm so excited. :) APRIL 14th!!!!!!!!!!!! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Oh, and this was the email: 

"hahah so anywho, still having the best time of my life. im glad that carnaval is over with... it makes las vegas look like a tea party with your little sister that pretends that she has a pet lamb and tickles her own face with a worm... yeah... thats how bad it is... but dont worry, we stayed inside like we were grounded or something... lol it was great."

As much as that makes me mad that he said it, I can't help but want to die of love overdose. :)

This Sabbath day, This life of mine

I don't have anything necessarily profound to say, so there's no real need to "brace yourself"... but I do plan on being quite candid. So, if you're reading this posting without my having had asked you to read it specifically, and feel as though you have been implied in the following reading, well, it's your own fault if you get offended. It is my blog, after all. And, of course, no harm was intended.

A good friend of mine recently divulged his unspoken, romantic feelings, to me - for me. I swear, I didn't see it coming and the news kind of hit like a mack truck... I mean, how am I so blind, sometimes? But, alas, there's no changing the past, so on to the future it is. Which is exactly what I wanted to talk about: the future.

Yesterday, after the Shakespearean confession had already taken place, I went to lunch with another friend who's pretty well removed from the situation, or at least enough so that I trust his opinion, when he gives it, to be unbiased. I told him the entire story from front to back, covering a large portion of the details and sort of just let him counsel from there... But here's the great part: I'm deeply religious, not something that I really try to hide, but sometimes something I forget to rely upon. Prime example: yesterday's lunch conversation; I was seeking out the opinion on another man instead of the supreme being upon whom I need to rely. Don't worry, He outfoxed the fox - as we (Gabe and I) are talking, various lines from my patriarchal blessing come rushing into my mind, all of which directing me in ways I never expected about my dating life. It was literally one of those lightbulb moments you always hear about but never experience - and I'll tell you what, it's madness when you finally do! Haha

It's really funny, when I finally had the appointment to get my blessing, the bishop told me to pray for the revelation to answers that I felt I needed, so I did. I prayed for at least two weeks straight to: 1. know what God would have me do with the rest of my life, what direction to take it in, and 2. more than anything, I needed some sort of something to tell me about my spouse (I may or may not have prayed for his name... Oh, silly, silly girl). I couldn't help but get disappointed, with that in mind, when I finally was given my blessing to hear one solitary line describing my spouse. ONE. I mean, it was definitely a good one, one that I couldn't even fully comprehend, at the time, but ONE!! Seriously?! What kind of an answer is that? God's answer, that's what. They weren't kidding when they said that He answers on his terms, not ours. Sheesh.

Well... the years passed and I started dating. I was still convinced that the thing was inexplicably vague and that God had decided that it was up to my discretion to find a mate - wooohoo. (Complete sarcasm, there.) Now for the climax... as I started dating with the honest intent of dating for marriage, (thank you, Provo) I began to realize, not everyone fit this one description. As a matter of fact, hardly anyone fit it! Okay, okay... Good to note, right? So I start looking for guys who did fit... and I found one. I was so happy. Like... sooo happy. But something wasn't quite right... so I go back to the drawing board (the blessing) and go over the plan again. It hits me, in that one description, there's actually another, hidden way back in the back, one that I had previously overlooked. And this new guy doesn't fit, anymore - instantaneous heartbreak.

Again, I begin my searching... this time with the two new requirements. I look, I seek, I try; nothing. Well, there were some... but those were largely playmates, only. Sorry, boys, sometimes the truth hurts. :) Which brings me to this past weekend! I date around, right? For 20 years, I look for someone to call my own for eternity, and I find one. One. One that fits every detail... right down to every misfitting detail, even. But I'm not satisfied, there has to be more, maybe even one better, right?

I go to church, this morning, and listen patiently to the talks... They're on repentance so I tune-in, figuring that the moment you don't feel as though you need the counsel, you need it more than ever. The first two speakers deliver what they have to say, I'm still not moved to any extreme degree, but am feeling the Spirit, so not all is lost. Then, the choir stands up and performs this song that I've heard many a times... my roommate Jessica is absolutely in love with it; it's pretty, and it's wonderful, but I guess I'd never really listened to the lyrics, fully. This time, though, I did... And I cried. It was Rob Gardner's "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee", and I don't think another church song has impacted me quite the same way. In a few words, it talks about how sometimes it seems as though Heavenly Father "hides his face" from us, where we feel as though we're disconnected from his presence, and thus is revelation. And I felt that way, oddly enough. I didn't realize it, but that's what I had been feeling! Heavenly Father was having me struggle for reasons unbenounced to myself and I almost felt I hadn't been forgotten, but rather that he was ignoring the dating part of my life... 

I found yet another testimony builder, today, in the least expected moment. But more than anything, I found that He loves me enough to keep me away from destructive relationships... gives me the strength to stay away from selfish tendencies, and that he cares, pure and simple. I am so loved, I just fail to see the full dimensions of it, sometimes, much like I did with my patriarchal blessing. Although it doesn't seem this way, nine times out of ten, we are all loved more than we ever see or think possible. I just find it funny the times/places/ways God reminds us of said love.  

Big brains for big learning!

I'm so in love with my Literary Theory class... I was reading through the assigned text, tonight, and saw this passage and had to share the wealth. Seriously, this is such a cool concept, especially when applying it to everyday life! It reads:

"The importance of the formal elements of a literary text is a product of the nature of literary language, which, for New Criticism, is very different from scientific language and from everyday language. Scientific language, and a good deal of everday language, depends on denotation, the one-to-one correspondence between words and objects or ideas they represent. Scientific language doesn't draw attention to itself, doesn't try to be beautiful or emotionally evocative. Its job is to point not to itself but to the physical world beyond it, which it attempts to describe and explain. Literary language, in contrast, depends on connotation: on the implication, association, suggestion, and evocation for meanings and of shades of meaning. (For example, while the word father denotes male parent, it connotes authority, protection, and responsibility.) In addition, literary language is expressive: it communicates tone, attitude, and feeling. While everyday language is often connotative and expressive, too, in general it is not deliberately or systematically so, for its cheif purpose is practical. Everyday language wants to get things done. Literary language, however, organizes linguistic resources into a special arrangement, a complex unity, to create an aesthetic experience, a world of its own. (Tyson, 120)"

Sigh. How I love my major... Even the technical, work-book stuff is beautiful! From language alone, you can completely change your life infintesimally. Try and tell me that's not stunning, I dare you. Wow. Best. Major. Ever.



Work Cited:
Tyson, Lois. Critical Theory Today.

Lesson

by Ellen Bryant Voigt


Whenever my mother, who taught
small children forty years,
asked a question, she
already knew the answer.
“Would you like to” meant
you would. “Shall we” was
another, and “Don’t you think.”
As in “Don’t you think
it’s time you cut your hair.”



So when, in the bare room,
in the strict bed, she said,
“You want to see?” her hands
were busy at her neckline,
untying the robe, not looking
down at it, stitches
bristling where the breast
had been, but straight at me.


I did what I always did:
not weep—she never wept—
and made my face a kindly
whitewashed wall, so she
could write, again, whatever
she wanted there.

Global Dimentia

This world we live in... is so screwed up. I mean, really. I know we all hear that all the time... but seriously, we live in one messed up environment. And as psychology (and life) so often states, "we are products of our environments." What, ladies and gentlemen, does this say about ourselves? Yes, you guessed it, we are screwwwed uppp. Now, let me tell you why.

I was in my literary theory class, the other day, and we were having a discussion on feminist perspectives when this kid/guy/man interjects his oh so humble opinion: that women WANT to be stereotyped and degraded... They WANT to see naked women on TV, photoshoped images in the media, and ads flaunting a woman for sexual purposes only. According to this... "man"... women WANT to be descended upon! We WANT to be viewed as LESS of an individual, a human being. Why? Are you wondering why? Oh, if you're not, you should be. Because this all sounds completely ludacris, correct? Well, here's his reasoning: women want a reason to complain, women need a crutch at all times, therefore, the females of the world are begging to be nothing more than damsels in constant distress. (Hopefully those italics and capital letters are getting to you, a little; they're there for a reason.)

I was so outraged when he made this claim, words can't even begin to describe the feeling of hot fury that roiled up from my stomach into my throat. I was so outraged and confused by the shock of what was just said, that it wasn't until later that I actually took the time to see his point of view and eventually come to the conclusion that... this kid was on to something.

Obviously he was generalizing, which is what you have to do, sometimes, in life/philosophy, but if you think about this, it really is widely applicable, if not to one particular woman (or yourself, if you are indeed female). I'll admit, perhaps not readily at first, that even I tend to fall into the convention. It's just like on He's Just Not That Into You, when they're discussing the need for drama, whether it's almost getting charged that late fee on your credit card bill or trying to date those guys who just aren't interested, women, as a generalized whole, crave the stress, and thus adrenaline, that come from having a wee bit of drama in their lives.

"Okay, you say," maybe even while nodding your head in agreement to the above passage. "I can see that.. I can see where you're coming from with that last one. But where in the world would you ever agree that women want to be degraded?? (I've seen the movie, I know it's right...) But I mean, seriously! Come on!" You've waited patiently enough, and now, I shall tell you.

Even the shoddiest of detective work will produce the same result, I can guarantee it: Men degrade the women around them, in one form or another (even if unintentional, they seem to always be doing it), upset the women they've just affronted, and BOOM! They, the female victims, have something to complain about, something to analyze, something to get riled up about. And the truth of the matter is this: it's FUN. So we go back for more... and more... and more. We're going back for more degredation. How on earth is this progressive?? I dare say it isn't. Wear all the pants you want, burn as many bras as you possibly can, but as long as you stay in any sort of unequal relationship - male OR female - or allow an issue of inequality to get under your skin enough that the chemical reaction from which makes you crave more, you've handed yourself over to the dark side.

So really, ladies, when we rant about our feminist theories on equality and liberation... when we chew a man out for being so pompous and egotistical, and for ignoring the female perspective entirely, are we supporting the cause? Or are we really just feeding society exactly what it's looking for, this time on a polished, silver spoon, heaped up with all of our greatest dreams and ambitions? Think on it.

Ojiyban..?

If you read my last post, you already know that Tristen has finally left... (and if you haven't, Tristen moved home. details are there if you want them) and it was really hard. Really hard. Aaaand I cried for a bit... but then I realized something/it came back to mind; Wednesday, when we found out that she wasn't going to finish out the year and I couldn't stop my heaving sobs, she looked at me, shook her head, and said, "I can't make myself cry when I know that this is right... Neither should you." Okay, ah, cool? ... Cool?

Haha, I'll tell you what, it definitely stopped me - for the time being; I cried quite a bit later on. But she's RIGHT! And that's what I realized today! There's no point in being sad about what never was, about decisions you know are right, about what you can't control. There's really no point. Someone/something (depending on your religious beliefs) laid this whole thing out for us... to live. Not mourn, not cry, not procrastinate, live.

I'm tired of crying, my head is swollen to the size of an overgrown musk melon and isn't doing much better for wear. I've had this everlasting headache, pretty much since 5:15 pm, Wednesday evening, and I'm tired of it. This sort of living isn't living at all... so, I'm going to stop dwelling on what I'm going to miss about not having Tristen around, I'm going to stop mourning her leaving, stop thinking about how we've lost a member of our family (we have, physically speaking, but in reality, she's not gone at all. We'll always have Skype! Haha) and above all, I'm going to stop ignoring the here and now. This is ridiculous, I tell you, ridiculous!

I finished a book, this past weekend, called The Alchemist. For those of you haven't read it yet, please do. It's incredible! And the source of this "get-up-and-go" feeling I've been experiencing. At one point, one character is speaking to another, instructing him on how to find "his Personal Legend" (ultimate destiny/dream/self) and states that it's impossible to reach unless he focuses on the present moment and enjoys it to its fullest, thinking, as much as humanly possible, on the positive and the good, on what he's been blessed with... And from there, to basically take it and run! You've been given a gift, now show your appreciation for it by making the most of your life.

I'm not exactly succeeding - 100%, at least - right now, but I'm certainly trying my hardest... And I'll tell you what, it's making quite the difference. It all kicked in at... about.... 11:30, this morning? And yet, I already feel better about things. :) I'll keep this updated on how it's working out for me... but in the meantime, you try it too. I have this feeling that if everyone in the world were striving for the same thing, it'd be that much easier to reach the end goal. Help me help you help everyone else...

Please? :)





Oh, and wherever you are, out there in the world, just know... that I love you. There's a constant prayer in my heart, for you, in hopes that your day is just a little bit better.

Heart Break Avenue..

It's late, I have more Spanish homework than I know what to do with, a test tomorrow, and a day full of classes and work... and here I am, blogging at 2 AM. Figures. I do have reason, however!!

Not unlike many of the outstanding women of the world, I've had quite the roller coaster week of emotions; Heaven help me. I realized some things about myself that I wasn't too happy with, nor proud of, that I also found needed some instantaneous remedying... Well, as I'm sure you're all too well aware,not much can be completely fixed right away, but I was doing my best to come as close as possible, as quickly as possible.

I made some apologies... did a little (actually a lot) of tearful praying... and finally began feeling better about things, thinking I was on the right path to a really successful, new start - only for life to strike again. 

I came home from work, today, after a somewhat draining day, to Tristen sitting at the kitchen table, crying... the surrounding area covered in boxes and various items from her bedroom. To say the least, I was more than a little mystified. She looked at me, tears welling up in her eyes, all over again, and simply said, "I've withdrawn from my classes and am going home for the rest of the semester." 

WOW. 

Due to various medical reasons and too, too much stress, Tristen and her parents came to the decision that it might be in her best interest to come home early, this year. And I can't agree more, as much as I miss her and as much as I cry; I'd just like to get that out there now. And with that being said...   

In my selfish ways, I forgot, somewhere in along the lines, that The Damsels of Apt. 340 aren't just roommates... they're my family, the sisters my own age that I always prayed for, growing up. I love these girls so very much, it's hard to think that I could (but I did) forget their place in my heart. It was Monday when I saw what I had allowed to happen, Monday when I tried to recompense, Monday when I cried for hours because of what I had done... And by Wednesday, I lost a member of the group. Wow. Talk about timing... I can't even think on all of this without getting emotional, recognizing that Heavenly Father had a very clear part in all of this; I only wish I had been a bit more grateful just a bit sooner. So much for regrets, I guess...

Now, here comes the part where I tell the world about how much I love and adore this girl: Tristen is honestly one of the most Christlike people I know. Seriously. She's so... wonderful; I don't feel like there's another word that's more holistically correct about this girl. If only I had an ounce of her patience, or even her intelligence, I think I'd be that much closer to the Celestial Kingdom. My goodness, I've been so blessed to have her in my life for this past year and a half. She's been the one to sit and cry with me for at least an hour after the sappy movies had ended (especially PS I Love You), my favorite spooning partner, the roommate to take spontaneous (somewhat disastrous) road-trips with, my ultimate duet partner, the one I went to for literary advice... the person who would hold my hand on the days when it seemed like there was no one else in the world who'd want to. She's been my everything and so much more. Saying that she's blessed my life or graced my presence isn't even covering the half of it, she's gone above and beyond words (unfortunately enough for this post of mine).

I don't mean for this to sound like an obituary, she's far from dead, I promise! but I feel like the world is entitled to know the type of person she is. If only there were a few more animal loving, environment protecting, poetry reading individuals... life would never be the same. :)

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I'm going to miss my most beloved, beautiful girl. Life in 340 will never be the same without her... I'm only sorry I didn't realize this long ago. 

I love you, Twist. Never forget your true capacity in life, that you'll forever have a place, even if it's only in my heart, and that you alone can make any sort of difference in the world, so long as you try. And above all, never let your outward beauty be the only beauty you show, for what you hold inside can always outshine it. 

Now go, leave your print, make your mark - girrrrrl.

    

I've promised.

This past weekend, I've promised an entire handful of people that I'd blog about whatever we happened to be doing... So here goes nothing:

1.) My date: Jessica took me on this ab-fab date, Friday night, to - wait for it!! here's the kicker!! - COSCO! Hooodehoooo! Haha, yeah, that wasn't sarcastic. I really was excited! :) We got this amazing tomato/basil soup and roasted garlic french bread... Oh so good. After, we went to B&N, our favorite, local hang-out and paroused the fantasy section in the company of a little Starbucks. (Amazing.) Eventually, we made our way back to the apt where Kiersten and Reed scared the crap out of us - Kierst was hiding underneath the table when we came in through the front door and almost got her face beat in for growling and coming after our ankles!!!!!!!!! Seriously, she almost lost her life, that night.

2.) Saturday night we had this completely random dance party in our apt... Evidentally we had the music up to loud because, at first, our neighbors below were simply yelling obscentities in our direction about turning the music down... Eventually, though, the resident managers were sent in. Yeah, turns out the music can be just so loud until the clock strikes 1 am. :) :) Sorrrrrrryyyy.

3.) I won't elaborate on this one, too far, but Sunday, during RF, Ruthie, Brittney, Jessica and I all ended up bawling through the lesson... It was so touching, words can't really explain. It's funny how the Spirit can move everyone - but in different ways... What I promised to blog about, though, was the quote of the day: Through buckets of mascara-blackened tears, a snifling Ruthie exclaimed, at the top of her lungs, "Well! That's the end of that! I swear I'll NEVER ask for answers to prayers, AGAIN!" :) It was so perfect, the timing was excellent, we all died laughing. How we love our little Ruthie K.

4.) Last night, we had FHE at our apt (not that that's relevant to the story...) (Justine's the new 'Mom' - also not relevant) in which we combined with another group - the boys of 246. Long story short, the love of my life, Todd Mathews, graced my presence with the pure ravish that he is and this is what came of it: http://dozydoubledee.blogspot.com/2010/02/apparently-i-have-baby-mama.html

5.) (EPIC) Missionary updates: Katie and Braedon are getting married in THREE MONTHS. Kiersten and Reed finally exchanged the "L-Word". Ben is home in 9 weeks. (Praise the Lord)




SUMMATION: I love my life. <3

Congratulations

I listen to these songs,
You know them,
The ones we shared in those long nights....
And I think of you.
Only you.

You said "best,"

I couldn't have agreed more.

Congratulations are in order, now;
One last embrace for the road?
Too bad you couldn't overcome,
Too bad I couldn't move on.

What was real was real,

Despite what your verse screams.

Without words, you tear the happiness down.

There's no making it up, now.
One more before I go,
Our departing smiles leaving so many questions.

I'm sorry there was no verse,
No epic to retell.
I'm sorry not to have added enough
To be a constant souce,
To be your muse,
But....

Remember,

What was yours always will be yours.

Forever your reservation.

 

But this is the last.

Now... Breathe.