He's coming HOME??

Soooo I'm writing a letter to Ben, right now... and it's really weird... because I'm trying to explain my feelings, to him, but seriously am at a loss for words. Everything I say is either contradictory or repeatitive - I can't seem to find a happy, middle-ground that actually makes sense, haha! So I kinda thought that trying to spill it on here, first, might be a bit more helpful in sorting it all out? And then maybe try and transfer it back onto the paper so he knows what's up?

Alright, so here we go... First and foremost, I swear to you, he's NEVER coming home. Never. And to be honest, the thought of him coming home... scares the crap out of me. It's like going on a blind-date with someone you feel as though you've known for all of your existence. Uhhhh... I have this haunting suspicion that... it's going to be... awkward, at first. :\ My life... is so established, at this point, that I almost am starting to question if I really want to incorporate him into it, hahahaha. Buuuuut let's face it, he's already one of the biggest points in it, so I guess the only change will be that instead of dating all of these creepers, I get to start dating my best friend. :) And when he gets back, do we start dating all casually? And if we do, when does it step up into being something serious? And if it does, do we just roll with it? Because I mean, let's face it... I'll be 20 and he'll be 21. Pretty flipping young to be getting married, if you ask me!! And neither one of us will be done with school... and we need to date for a while, but with these two years behind us, how much does that count for in the real dating scene? Anything? Because it should. I've learned more about him than I think most girlfriends know about their boyfriends/fiances. And that's a fact. :)

Oi vey. I guess I just go along with things, as long as those things are right, right? Flip. I need someone to just fast-forward time, for me, so I know how this will all play out and I can stop worrying about it. Because I am. I'm worrying about it. There. I said it. I'm worried. But excited? Ahhhhhhh... I just can't picture him being back, anymore. But I want him here more than ever.

Oh wait, am I supposed to tell him all of this? ALL? Ha, not happening. :)

Love,
Kelci