The tears crash down,
Soft and warm.
Like rivulets of pain,
They leave their mark on the pink sandstone.
Her heart, heavy and sinking,
Her eyes, wide and knowing.
For all the foresaking in the world, this time it feels real.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Looking Glass.
Following suit with the rest of the world, I've been doing a lot of reflection on the past year of my life... at times going month by month, sometimes event by event, even moving through time person by person. I've learned so much, grown so much, I have a hard time believing that it was truly me experiencing all of this. And perhaps it wasn't much at all, but to the one going through the motions of it all, it was monumentous. Who knows if what happened to me in this past year will ever affect another's life...
Whether it does or it doesn't, I still have some things that I feel as though are finally ready to have the light of day shed on them. :)
As stated before, my mind hasn't necessarily found a set organization to group life's events in, yet, so as I move through this past year, it'll probably be a nice range between all of the forementioned. Bear with me. It's going to be a long one.
New Year's Eve... 2009... Baylee, Jadden, and I all went up to the U's institute dance. It was the first time that we saw each other since things... had ended? Also, it was the last time I ever saw him -- regretfully so. He's married now, though! I bring this all up for two reasons:
1. He's married. So marriage, I guess. We dated, for a while, and, I'm sorry to say, I let it go on a lot longer than I ever should have. Jadden is one of the sweetest, most humble, caring men that you'll ever meet -- but we would have NEVER worked. Oh, oh sweet destruction. My goodness, we were such polar opposites... He taught me so much about the dating/marriage world, the experience forever changed me. I realized, from that point on out, I couldn't just date whoever, flopping around, doing whatever. I wasn't, am not, and never will be the "off-roading enthusiast" type that he needed, that was for sure!! I need sweet, cute, cardigan-wearing nerds. :) That like big nerdy books and games and like art and... don't find me to be any bigger of a nerd than they are. I need an equal, above all. NOT SAYING THAT HE WASN'T!!! We couldn't even be compared, as a matter of fact, because we were just so different. Which was the problem entirely.
2. I realized, fully realized, for the first time, hearts were breakable.
Perhaps not even a week after the outing, Baylee and I went to yet another life-changing party: "Nate's Birthday Bash". We met and hung out with Bryson and Justin for the first time, hahaha. Oh dear... I laugh now, but only at... our ignorance. Little did we know that we'd both fall -- hard enough to break bones.
I can't speak for my little Baylee Boo, but I can honestly say that I became closer to Bryson than any other I've ever known. I don't know if I ever made any lasting impressions on him, but he most certainly did for me. He taught me, first and foremost, love wasn't strictly physical, intimacy wasn't purely skin on skin. By so fully exposing his own to me, he made me see my heart for what it truely was, what it contained, what an opened mind could do. For approximately 6 months, I was blessed enough to bathe in the poetry of his life and the talents he possessed.
From my Bryson, I saw what beauty really was.
My birthday rolled around in March... Baylee outdid herself, yet again. :) She totally planned a surprise party, for me, at The Old Spaghetti Factory. She's seriously got to be the cutest thing, 9 times out of 10. Wow, did I take her for granted!!!! Sheesh. We started out the year as roommates and left as soul-mates. I'm not kidding. I know she hated me all those times that I was overbearing and motherly... or when I made her communicate, hahahaha, or when I told her that I was "practicing for a future marriage!" ... but she always stuck with me. She always loved me, which was the even more shocking part of it all! It's funny, in the end, she taught me more about communication, more about relationships, more about being a mom, more about everything! Like I said, the girl's amazing. Downright amazing.
Eventually, the day that we had all been anticipating; (that's a lie, pretty sure I was the only one who was anxiously anticipating it) BEN DAY. Not only did the ever so wonderful Miss Katie clear out her schedule to do absolutely nothing and everything in one whole day, so did my beautiful roommates, Tristen, Justine, and Baylee (poor thing got dragged everywhere!). Tristen made me a surprise cake... while I was in the kitchen... and hurried to decorate it while I was studying in the library -- it was adorable! Hahahaha, I only wish I had pictures to post. :) Justine, Katie, Baylee and I all ran around the Provo/Orem area, doing this odd-job list of things that Ben had sent for us to do and also things that we had come up with ourselves. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but these girls didn't have to celebrate the one-year-mark for a missionary they weren't waiting on... Two of which had never even met the kid! But they did, with smiling faces, as well! Why? Phhhh, like I know. I guess because they were there to show me what being a sister was like. Yeah... :) These really are my go-to girls. I cry to them... Laugh with them... Complain... Whine... everything. They really are my sisters and they really have helped to create a sense of Zion in my life.
The summer moved through with all of the regular up's and down's... I worked as an aide for the Tooele County Seniors, doing personal, home-care for elderly clients all over Tooele Co. I was so hesitant, at first, to accept the position -- with good reason; I wasn't looking forward to poop smears. Looking back, I'd have to attribute one of the largest portions of my growing to this job. I can't really put it all into words, but I will say this much: I don't know of any greater joy I've ever felt than when taking care of another.
Just as all temporal things do, the summer came to a quiet close and I returned to Provo and school, this time with a replacement -- Jessica came in Baylee's stead, as my roommate. Interestingly enough, when I asked her to come with me, down to UVU, I assumed that I was acting as a blessing in her life -- not the other way around. But, as they always seem to, this too had a flip-side.
I'd have to say, all in all, the biggest thing Jessica's taught me is the power of revelation. When she's in-tune with the Spirit... Ohhhhh baby, watch out. Her rubbing off even the slightest bit of that light she has will open your mind to so many new ideas, concepts, mysteries... she leaves your head spinning for days, at least. Jessica has made me want to be better, to feel the Spirit as strongly as she can, and to be in constant communication like that.
These next two... are out of chronological order... but needed to be in here, somewhere. First is Sean, my facebook compardre and counterpart. The second is Ruthie, my savior, this year. These two... are in no way visibly connected. Other than they're both big art nerds. :) But from both, I've learned something beyond value: nothing can compare to who you really are. It's crazy, to my little baby brain, to think about how much these two have embraced what/who they are -- good and bad! More than anything, and better than any predeccesor's attempts, they've shown me sincere, home-grown originality. :)Last but not least, I wanted to reflect on one of the most incredible families I've ever experienced. I went to the Stanfield's, this Christmas, in hopes of talking to Ben. The last phone call home... Scary. Straight up.
Anywho, I went over and was allowed to listen in while he talked with the family and to his best friend, Jordan. I sat there... and basked. Going to their house is like sitting in a hot tub of love, no joke. His parents are... beyond sweet. And his siblings and their families are all so accepting, they immediately took me in, no questions asked! Quite the difference from my family!! Hahaha, poor kid!
Eventually, though, after everyone else had their turns, I was given complete privacy to talk to Ben... Tears are welling up, as I write this, I'm so grateful. Wow. Saying that he's my best friend would be a complete understatement. I know it sounds cliche, but I mean this: he completes my heart -- and then some. Talking with him, I was filled beyond capacity... I really never thought I'd love another like this; I didn't think it possible, to be honest!! But I do. Oh, do I ever.
More than anyone, or anything, Ben has taught me the most in the year 2009. Through the Lord (using him as a tool), my goals, thoughts, aspirations, dreams, everything has been changed for the better. Again, words can't begin to tell of the changes of my heart that have taken place, Ben being the direct cause. What I can say, however, is that I will forever be grateful for the opportunity to spend these last two years supporting him, to be a temporary member of the Stanfield family.
I'm not ready, nor do I think I ever will be, to be a mom and a wife... but simply knowing Ben has brought me closer to that point than I ever thought possible. Weekly sermons and relentless teasing and all, I love the kid. I've never, never, never known someone to be so beautiful, both inside and out, flaws and all. Just seeing him sincerely trying to be better makes me want to be so much more. It's that shining example that's really pushed me, this year. For a while, I even seriously considered a mission, feeling as though I coud never reach such great heights as he has.
All in all, I can't wait to have my best friend home. April couldn't come soon enough.
Yes, I have a feeling that 2010 will be even more wonderful than the last. :)
Happy New Year, everyone. May you find blessings behind every corner and gratitude in every heart! Peace be with you.
Whether it does or it doesn't, I still have some things that I feel as though are finally ready to have the light of day shed on them. :)
As stated before, my mind hasn't necessarily found a set organization to group life's events in, yet, so as I move through this past year, it'll probably be a nice range between all of the forementioned. Bear with me. It's going to be a long one.
New Year's Eve... 2009... Baylee, Jadden, and I all went up to the U's institute dance. It was the first time that we saw each other since things... had ended? Also, it was the last time I ever saw him -- regretfully so. He's married now, though! I bring this all up for two reasons:
1. He's married. So marriage, I guess. We dated, for a while, and, I'm sorry to say, I let it go on a lot longer than I ever should have. Jadden is one of the sweetest, most humble, caring men that you'll ever meet -- but we would have NEVER worked. Oh, oh sweet destruction. My goodness, we were such polar opposites... He taught me so much about the dating/marriage world, the experience forever changed me. I realized, from that point on out, I couldn't just date whoever, flopping around, doing whatever. I wasn't, am not, and never will be the "off-roading enthusiast" type that he needed, that was for sure!! I need sweet, cute, cardigan-wearing nerds. :) That like big nerdy books and games and like art and... don't find me to be any bigger of a nerd than they are. I need an equal, above all. NOT SAYING THAT HE WASN'T!!! We couldn't even be compared, as a matter of fact, because we were just so different. Which was the problem entirely.
2. I realized, fully realized, for the first time, hearts were breakable.
Perhaps not even a week after the outing, Baylee and I went to yet another life-changing party: "Nate's Birthday Bash". We met and hung out with Bryson and Justin for the first time, hahaha. Oh dear... I laugh now, but only at... our ignorance. Little did we know that we'd both fall -- hard enough to break bones.
I can't speak for my little Baylee Boo, but I can honestly say that I became closer to Bryson than any other I've ever known. I don't know if I ever made any lasting impressions on him, but he most certainly did for me. He taught me, first and foremost, love wasn't strictly physical, intimacy wasn't purely skin on skin. By so fully exposing his own to me, he made me see my heart for what it truely was, what it contained, what an opened mind could do. For approximately 6 months, I was blessed enough to bathe in the poetry of his life and the talents he possessed.
From my Bryson, I saw what beauty really was.
My birthday rolled around in March... Baylee outdid herself, yet again. :) She totally planned a surprise party, for me, at The Old Spaghetti Factory. She's seriously got to be the cutest thing, 9 times out of 10. Wow, did I take her for granted!!!! Sheesh. We started out the year as roommates and left as soul-mates. I'm not kidding. I know she hated me all those times that I was overbearing and motherly... or when I made her communicate, hahahaha, or when I told her that I was "practicing for a future marriage!" ... but she always stuck with me. She always loved me, which was the even more shocking part of it all! It's funny, in the end, she taught me more about communication, more about relationships, more about being a mom, more about everything! Like I said, the girl's amazing. Downright amazing.
Eventually, the day that we had all been anticipating; (that's a lie, pretty sure I was the only one who was anxiously anticipating it) BEN DAY. Not only did the ever so wonderful Miss Katie clear out her schedule to do absolutely nothing and everything in one whole day, so did my beautiful roommates, Tristen, Justine, and Baylee (poor thing got dragged everywhere!). Tristen made me a surprise cake... while I was in the kitchen... and hurried to decorate it while I was studying in the library -- it was adorable! Hahahaha, I only wish I had pictures to post. :) Justine, Katie, Baylee and I all ran around the Provo/Orem area, doing this odd-job list of things that Ben had sent for us to do and also things that we had come up with ourselves. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but these girls didn't have to celebrate the one-year-mark for a missionary they weren't waiting on... Two of which had never even met the kid! But they did, with smiling faces, as well! Why? Phhhh, like I know. I guess because they were there to show me what being a sister was like. Yeah... :) These really are my go-to girls. I cry to them... Laugh with them... Complain... Whine... everything. They really are my sisters and they really have helped to create a sense of Zion in my life.
The summer moved through with all of the regular up's and down's... I worked as an aide for the Tooele County Seniors, doing personal, home-care for elderly clients all over Tooele Co. I was so hesitant, at first, to accept the position -- with good reason; I wasn't looking forward to poop smears. Looking back, I'd have to attribute one of the largest portions of my growing to this job. I can't really put it all into words, but I will say this much: I don't know of any greater joy I've ever felt than when taking care of another.
Just as all temporal things do, the summer came to a quiet close and I returned to Provo and school, this time with a replacement -- Jessica came in Baylee's stead, as my roommate. Interestingly enough, when I asked her to come with me, down to UVU, I assumed that I was acting as a blessing in her life -- not the other way around. But, as they always seem to, this too had a flip-side.
I'd have to say, all in all, the biggest thing Jessica's taught me is the power of revelation. When she's in-tune with the Spirit... Ohhhhh baby, watch out. Her rubbing off even the slightest bit of that light she has will open your mind to so many new ideas, concepts, mysteries... she leaves your head spinning for days, at least. Jessica has made me want to be better, to feel the Spirit as strongly as she can, and to be in constant communication like that.
These next two... are out of chronological order... but needed to be in here, somewhere. First is Sean, my facebook compardre and counterpart. The second is Ruthie, my savior, this year. These two... are in no way visibly connected. Other than they're both big art nerds. :) But from both, I've learned something beyond value: nothing can compare to who you really are. It's crazy, to my little baby brain, to think about how much these two have embraced what/who they are -- good and bad! More than anything, and better than any predeccesor's attempts, they've shown me sincere, home-grown originality. :)Last but not least, I wanted to reflect on one of the most incredible families I've ever experienced. I went to the Stanfield's, this Christmas, in hopes of talking to Ben. The last phone call home... Scary. Straight up.
Anywho, I went over and was allowed to listen in while he talked with the family and to his best friend, Jordan. I sat there... and basked. Going to their house is like sitting in a hot tub of love, no joke. His parents are... beyond sweet. And his siblings and their families are all so accepting, they immediately took me in, no questions asked! Quite the difference from my family!! Hahaha, poor kid!
Eventually, though, after everyone else had their turns, I was given complete privacy to talk to Ben... Tears are welling up, as I write this, I'm so grateful. Wow. Saying that he's my best friend would be a complete understatement. I know it sounds cliche, but I mean this: he completes my heart -- and then some. Talking with him, I was filled beyond capacity... I really never thought I'd love another like this; I didn't think it possible, to be honest!! But I do. Oh, do I ever.
More than anyone, or anything, Ben has taught me the most in the year 2009. Through the Lord (using him as a tool), my goals, thoughts, aspirations, dreams, everything has been changed for the better. Again, words can't begin to tell of the changes of my heart that have taken place, Ben being the direct cause. What I can say, however, is that I will forever be grateful for the opportunity to spend these last two years supporting him, to be a temporary member of the Stanfield family.
I'm not ready, nor do I think I ever will be, to be a mom and a wife... but simply knowing Ben has brought me closer to that point than I ever thought possible. Weekly sermons and relentless teasing and all, I love the kid. I've never, never, never known someone to be so beautiful, both inside and out, flaws and all. Just seeing him sincerely trying to be better makes me want to be so much more. It's that shining example that's really pushed me, this year. For a while, I even seriously considered a mission, feeling as though I coud never reach such great heights as he has.
All in all, I can't wait to have my best friend home. April couldn't come soon enough.
Yes, I have a feeling that 2010 will be even more wonderful than the last. :)
Happy New Year, everyone. May you find blessings behind every corner and gratitude in every heart! Peace be with you.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Bleeding Love... :)
Just in case you were looking to make your heart bleed sincere emotion, I have the perfect playlist for you to follow. :)
A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8Mz_kyRlWY&NR=1
Giving Up - Ingrid Michaelson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hs5PjSn1-iI
Where Does the Good Go? - Tegan and Sara
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RDdmfWsrsw
Comfortable - John Mayer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YX5ZAF21IDc&NR=1&feature=fvwp
The Luckiest - Ben Folds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPKuECIHeKI
10,000 Stones - Adrienne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Stf3kO5Q4Vg
Living in Your Letters - Dashboard Confessional
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCwuV0YDyR4
Gray or Blue - Jaymay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJ-Yn9dZDD0
Nothing Better: Styrofoam Remix - The Postal Service
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQ1mfJf15ac
Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k
Foundation - Kate Nash
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryH5cga0yUI
Hide & Seek - Imogen Heap
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T60Ttsb-n3w
"To know the whisperings of my heart, you must first listen to the music in my head."
A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8Mz_kyRlWY&NR=1
Giving Up - Ingrid Michaelson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hs5PjSn1-iI
Where Does the Good Go? - Tegan and Sara
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RDdmfWsrsw
Comfortable - John Mayer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YX5ZAF21IDc&NR=1&feature=fvwp
The Luckiest - Ben Folds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPKuECIHeKI
10,000 Stones - Adrienne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Stf3kO5Q4Vg
Living in Your Letters - Dashboard Confessional
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCwuV0YDyR4
Gray or Blue - Jaymay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJ-Yn9dZDD0
Nothing Better: Styrofoam Remix - The Postal Service
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQ1mfJf15ac
Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k
Foundation - Kate Nash
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryH5cga0yUI
Hide & Seek - Imogen Heap
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T60Ttsb-n3w
"To know the whisperings of my heart, you must first listen to the music in my head."
Lymrics of the heart.
If I ever felt adequate enough to write such deeply felt poetry as the following, I think it'd go something along the same lines. But, seeing as how my confidence is all too far lacking, I leave it to Mr. A to Z to summarize for me:
I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you
I'm feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town.
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
and they all fall down.
And as I lay me down tonight,
I close my eyes, what a beautiful sight.
Sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so tired.
Of havin' to live without you
But I, I don't mind.
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired.
Oh, yes I am
I found myself in the riches
Your eyes, your lips, your hair
Well you were everywhere, out there.
I woke up in the ditches.
I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere. Oh love,
Well, you were nowhere at home.
As I lay me back to sleep,
Lord I pray that I can Keep.
Sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so tired.
Of having to live without you
But I, I don't mind.
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired.
I'm so tired.
Well its Just a little lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night. Once I dry my eyes I'll...
Sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so tired.
Of having to live without you
But I, I don't mind.
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired.
I'm so...tired.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdR1yjB9Rx0
Sleeping to Dream
Jason Mraz
I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you
I'm feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town.
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
and they all fall down.
And as I lay me down tonight,
I close my eyes, what a beautiful sight.
Sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so tired.
Of havin' to live without you
But I, I don't mind.
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired.
Oh, yes I am
I found myself in the riches
Your eyes, your lips, your hair
Well you were everywhere, out there.
I woke up in the ditches.
I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere. Oh love,
Well, you were nowhere at home.
As I lay me back to sleep,
Lord I pray that I can Keep.
Sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so tired.
Of having to live without you
But I, I don't mind.
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired.
I'm so tired.
Well its Just a little lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night. Once I dry my eyes I'll...
Sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so tired.
Of having to live without you
But I, I don't mind.
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired.
I'm so...tired.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdR1yjB9Rx0
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The Void
So Jessica, my roommate, and I came up with this really cool theory that we titled "The Void". It's all based around different levels of feeling, awareness, conciousness... You know, all that jazz. Perhaps I'd attempt to explain further if I thought I could. But I can't, so I won't.
Anywho, I feel as though I'm slipping beneath the line of equilibrium, today, maybe even just recently in general. In fact, I've been listening to Tegan and Sara's "Where Does the Good Go?" over and over again -- they just seem to get it. I think I need to go to the temple, tonight. Hopefully that will be enough to clear my mind? Yeah. :)
Interestingly enough, although I've been in a HUGE panic over the near future, recently, I don't feel stressed about it, today -- well, AS stressed, at least. I'm in some sort of pheromone... cloud/haze. It's intense; if I were you, I wouldn't ask.
Anywho, I feel as though I'm slipping beneath the line of equilibrium, today, maybe even just recently in general. In fact, I've been listening to Tegan and Sara's "Where Does the Good Go?" over and over again -- they just seem to get it. I think I need to go to the temple, tonight. Hopefully that will be enough to clear my mind? Yeah. :)
Interestingly enough, although I've been in a HUGE panic over the near future, recently, I don't feel stressed about it, today -- well, AS stressed, at least. I'm in some sort of pheromone... cloud/haze. It's intense; if I were you, I wouldn't ask.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Obsessions... Obsessions, Obsessions, Obsessions.
Sooo... Like always, I'm obsessing over my credits -- taken and yet to come. Here's the plan that I've figured out for myself, so far:
Already Taken:
High School - 9
Year 1 (UVU) - 32
Year 2, semester 1 (UVU) - 14
Upcoming:
Year 2, semester 2 (UVU) - 14
Summer - 12
Year 3 (UVU) - 30
Summer - 11
GRADUATION.
Weird, huh? I was looking at the credits I have right now, and I figured out... I could graduate with my AA at the end of this semester... if it wouldn't totally screw up my credit eval. Ha! I guess I really am making a dent in things, hmm? It's making me sick to my stomach, though, with everything I have yet to do.. I feel so inadequate when it comes to the English spectrum of things.
Anywho, I'm filling out my admissions application to the Integrated Studies program, as I write!! I'll start in on those credits, next... : This next year, year and a half will be filled with ENGL and IS classes... Woo! Almost DONE! Buh-bye General Ed credits!!!! Haaaaaaaaa! Biggest relief out of all of this. :)
Already Taken:
High School - 9
Year 1 (UVU) - 32
Year 2, semester 1 (UVU) - 14
Upcoming:
Year 2, semester 2 (UVU) - 14
Summer - 12
Year 3 (UVU) - 30
Summer - 11
GRADUATION.
Weird, huh? I was looking at the credits I have right now, and I figured out... I could graduate with my AA at the end of this semester... if it wouldn't totally screw up my credit eval. Ha! I guess I really am making a dent in things, hmm? It's making me sick to my stomach, though, with everything I have yet to do.. I feel so inadequate when it comes to the English spectrum of things.
Anywho, I'm filling out my admissions application to the Integrated Studies program, as I write!! I'll start in on those credits, next... : This next year, year and a half will be filled with ENGL and IS classes... Woo! Almost DONE! Buh-bye General Ed credits!!!! Haaaaaaaaa! Biggest relief out of all of this. :)
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
bOy CrAzY?!
Bahahaha, first and foremost, if you missed the title, go back and read it again. Again! Yeah, the capitalization was done on purpose... purposefully obnoxious. How you like them apples?!
I've been feeling like this little boy-crazed twit, recently, and it just dawned on me -- I work in a high school full of boy-crazed twits!!!! These girls, they're starting to rub off on me. And/or it's just the mood I'm in, today.
Anywho, I have restless legs like you wouldn't believe, today, and usually, when this happens, I also begin to feel really restless/distraught with everything else in my life. So I'm blogging; obviously this seems to be my copping method.
So now that you've been warned that I'm in some sort of funk, know that you're advancing through this post with a FULL KNOWLEDGE that this might not be the most positive of positives. It's just what it is. Mmmmk? Mmmmk.
Phew.
I had such an amazing dream, last night. So good, in fact, that I decided to skip out on my first two morning classes because I didn't want it to end. Needless to say, I woke up only to continue floating in the clouds -- which could have contributed to this funk that I'm in.
My friend Katie's getting engaged, any day now, and it's slowly killing me inside... Not that she's going to forever be sealed to her best friend for time and all eternity and be ridiculously happy in life, but because it's making ME want to be MARRIED!!!!! Bah!! What IS this?! Phhh.
Anywho, marriage and babies... Yeah, both have been on my mind, quite a bit, recently. I guess I'm just moving into that phase of my life where God is making me realize that someday, I have to grow up. And have that. Be that. Pretty sure he's trying to keep the anxiety level under control, haha. Good luck.
I've found that more and more, with the passing of time, that I AM a girl! What the... Hahaha, I guess this is a blog of realizations, today. :) Seriously though, I'm such a girl. I'm all soft and mushy, now. I get all emotional and sentimental and CRY! A LOT!! And I tend (not that this is a feminine quality) to allow people to walk over me -- more. Recently, though, I've decided to cut that part of myself out, become stronger willed, maybe? Anywho, I went through a couple of my inboxs and just deleted old, useless messages from people that... well, aren't really what I need in my life; how about that? It feels good! I'm moving on, getting out of old ruts, and seriously applying what they teach in "He's Just Not That Into You"! :) That movie -- soooo good. So right. So good. Moral of the story: I've really taken to heart the whole "if you want to be with me/my friend/apart of my life, you'll make it happen" motto. And, besides todays weirdness, it's been a huge relief. Honesty just hasn't ever felt so good. :)
That's the other thing -- I'm being more honest with people; not just honest, but blunt, like I used to be. I miss that. I hate sugar-coating so that someone doesn't walk away and cry once they're out of sight. Obviously I'm not going to be heartless, but sometimes... the truth just needs to come out. And from here on out, I'm going to be that person that brings it out, again.
Well, I'm done with work, now, (yes, this is how I spend it) so I'm going to head. The Schwinzer has an in-between-er "Ben Day" planned -- she still needs to write him a 25 page letter; I guess I'm helping.
Love and peace to all of you!
Kelci
I've been feeling like this little boy-crazed twit, recently, and it just dawned on me -- I work in a high school full of boy-crazed twits!!!! These girls, they're starting to rub off on me. And/or it's just the mood I'm in, today.
Anywho, I have restless legs like you wouldn't believe, today, and usually, when this happens, I also begin to feel really restless/distraught with everything else in my life. So I'm blogging; obviously this seems to be my copping method.
So now that you've been warned that I'm in some sort of funk, know that you're advancing through this post with a FULL KNOWLEDGE that this might not be the most positive of positives. It's just what it is. Mmmmk? Mmmmk.
Phew.
I had such an amazing dream, last night. So good, in fact, that I decided to skip out on my first two morning classes because I didn't want it to end. Needless to say, I woke up only to continue floating in the clouds -- which could have contributed to this funk that I'm in.
My friend Katie's getting engaged, any day now, and it's slowly killing me inside... Not that she's going to forever be sealed to her best friend for time and all eternity and be ridiculously happy in life, but because it's making ME want to be MARRIED!!!!! Bah!! What IS this?! Phhh.
Anywho, marriage and babies... Yeah, both have been on my mind, quite a bit, recently. I guess I'm just moving into that phase of my life where God is making me realize that someday, I have to grow up. And have that. Be that. Pretty sure he's trying to keep the anxiety level under control, haha. Good luck.
I've found that more and more, with the passing of time, that I AM a girl! What the... Hahaha, I guess this is a blog of realizations, today. :) Seriously though, I'm such a girl. I'm all soft and mushy, now. I get all emotional and sentimental and CRY! A LOT!! And I tend (not that this is a feminine quality) to allow people to walk over me -- more. Recently, though, I've decided to cut that part of myself out, become stronger willed, maybe? Anywho, I went through a couple of my inboxs and just deleted old, useless messages from people that... well, aren't really what I need in my life; how about that? It feels good! I'm moving on, getting out of old ruts, and seriously applying what they teach in "He's Just Not That Into You"! :) That movie -- soooo good. So right. So good. Moral of the story: I've really taken to heart the whole "if you want to be with me/my friend/apart of my life, you'll make it happen" motto. And, besides todays weirdness, it's been a huge relief. Honesty just hasn't ever felt so good. :)
That's the other thing -- I'm being more honest with people; not just honest, but blunt, like I used to be. I miss that. I hate sugar-coating so that someone doesn't walk away and cry once they're out of sight. Obviously I'm not going to be heartless, but sometimes... the truth just needs to come out. And from here on out, I'm going to be that person that brings it out, again.
Well, I'm done with work, now, (yes, this is how I spend it) so I'm going to head. The Schwinzer has an in-between-er "Ben Day" planned -- she still needs to write him a 25 page letter; I guess I'm helping.
Love and peace to all of you!
Kelci
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The Writing Game
... I'm... attempting to write a summation paper on Paleolithic cave drawings, right now... but obviously have hit a road block -- I'm blogging instead. I dare say that summer vacations are not only unproductive, they're also extremely devastating when it comes to getting back into the groove of homework, school... mainly just writing research papers, again.
I keep checking my facebook... even though I know I won't have any wall posts? Haha, I know, I know... I'm just trying to stall. Blerh. Here goes round(/attempt) three!! :(
I keep checking my facebook... even though I know I won't have any wall posts? Haha, I know, I know... I'm just trying to stall. Blerh. Here goes round(/attempt) three!! :(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Hi. My name is Kelci. And I like to party.
Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh... So Monday night, I went to a concert in SLC... and came to a final conclusion: I'm dropping out of school and partying instead. I might even create a band and tour for a while... I like to travel, have always wanted to more of it, so why not??
Oh, the other thing I decided? A life of celabecy really isn't for me... Lol. I'm doing my best to be what I know I'm supposed to be... but I swear I'm slowly dying inside.
Couple more things that I discovered about myself, this past week:
1. Some day, I want to be the next Dr. Seuss.
2. I hate sleeping where I'm supposed to... I don't know if it's because I have a hard time following what others expect to be normal guidelines/expectations of behavior... but I just can't do it.
3. I'm female. 100%, without a doubt, all girl. And I'm cool with it. There's no reason to deny what I am... I think, from here on out, I'm going to embrace it to it's fullest. As contradictory as it might sound, I feel even more empowered than before, more different, maybe even more feminist. I. AM. WOMAN.
4. I miss having little kids around... I want a baby, just not one of my own.
5. I really have found "my type"... and even more than that, I've found that within that type, there are so many DIFFERENT types... It'll be interesting to see who I finally end up with? :)
6. If there was a way that I could, I'd have Liz Stanfield be my mother-in-law, no matter who I marry. She's got to be the closest thing to Christ that I've ever experienced, she's incredible. As a matter of fact, she's the kind of mother that I want to embody, someday.
7. There's a ticking sound, some where near by... and I think it's coming from inside, lol.
8. I've gave up on being self-conscious quite a while ago, and yet, for whatever reason, I still am too scared to attempt poetry. I shall start... this week? Ehhhh...
It's insane, inevitably dramatic, always changing, and sometimes inspiring... but I love my life. I really do. :)
<3>
Oh, the other thing I decided? A life of celabecy really isn't for me... Lol. I'm doing my best to be what I know I'm supposed to be... but I swear I'm slowly dying inside.
Couple more things that I discovered about myself, this past week:
1. Some day, I want to be the next Dr. Seuss.
2. I hate sleeping where I'm supposed to... I don't know if it's because I have a hard time following what others expect to be normal guidelines/expectations of behavior... but I just can't do it.
3. I'm female. 100%, without a doubt, all girl. And I'm cool with it. There's no reason to deny what I am... I think, from here on out, I'm going to embrace it to it's fullest. As contradictory as it might sound, I feel even more empowered than before, more different, maybe even more feminist. I. AM. WOMAN.
4. I miss having little kids around... I want a baby, just not one of my own.
5. I really have found "my type"... and even more than that, I've found that within that type, there are so many DIFFERENT types... It'll be interesting to see who I finally end up with? :)
6. If there was a way that I could, I'd have Liz Stanfield be my mother-in-law, no matter who I marry. She's got to be the closest thing to Christ that I've ever experienced, she's incredible. As a matter of fact, she's the kind of mother that I want to embody, someday.
7. There's a ticking sound, some where near by... and I think it's coming from inside, lol.
8. I've gave up on being self-conscious quite a while ago, and yet, for whatever reason, I still am too scared to attempt poetry. I shall start... this week? Ehhhh...
It's insane, inevitably dramatic, always changing, and sometimes inspiring... but I love my life. I really do. :)
<3>
Sunday, July 19, 2009
He's coming HOME??
Soooo I'm writing a letter to Ben, right now... and it's really weird... because I'm trying to explain my feelings, to him, but seriously am at a loss for words. Everything I say is either contradictory or repeatitive - I can't seem to find a happy, middle-ground that actually makes sense, haha! So I kinda thought that trying to spill it on here, first, might be a bit more helpful in sorting it all out? And then maybe try and transfer it back onto the paper so he knows what's up?
Alright, so here we go... First and foremost, I swear to you, he's NEVER coming home. Never. And to be honest, the thought of him coming home... scares the crap out of me. It's like going on a blind-date with someone you feel as though you've known for all of your existence. Uhhhh... I have this haunting suspicion that... it's going to be... awkward, at first. :\ My life... is so established, at this point, that I almost am starting to question if I really want to incorporate him into it, hahahaha. Buuuuut let's face it, he's already one of the biggest points in it, so I guess the only change will be that instead of dating all of these creepers, I get to start dating my best friend. :) And when he gets back, do we start dating all casually? And if we do, when does it step up into being something serious? And if it does, do we just roll with it? Because I mean, let's face it... I'll be 20 and he'll be 21. Pretty flipping young to be getting married, if you ask me!! And neither one of us will be done with school... and we need to date for a while, but with these two years behind us, how much does that count for in the real dating scene? Anything? Because it should. I've learned more about him than I think most girlfriends know about their boyfriends/fiances. And that's a fact. :)
Oi vey. I guess I just go along with things, as long as those things are right, right? Flip. I need someone to just fast-forward time, for me, so I know how this will all play out and I can stop worrying about it. Because I am. I'm worrying about it. There. I said it. I'm worried. But excited? Ahhhhhhh... I just can't picture him being back, anymore. But I want him here more than ever.
Oh wait, am I supposed to tell him all of this? ALL? Ha, not happening. :)
Love,
Kelci
Alright, so here we go... First and foremost, I swear to you, he's NEVER coming home. Never. And to be honest, the thought of him coming home... scares the crap out of me. It's like going on a blind-date with someone you feel as though you've known for all of your existence. Uhhhh... I have this haunting suspicion that... it's going to be... awkward, at first. :\ My life... is so established, at this point, that I almost am starting to question if I really want to incorporate him into it, hahahaha. Buuuuut let's face it, he's already one of the biggest points in it, so I guess the only change will be that instead of dating all of these creepers, I get to start dating my best friend. :) And when he gets back, do we start dating all casually? And if we do, when does it step up into being something serious? And if it does, do we just roll with it? Because I mean, let's face it... I'll be 20 and he'll be 21. Pretty flipping young to be getting married, if you ask me!! And neither one of us will be done with school... and we need to date for a while, but with these two years behind us, how much does that count for in the real dating scene? Anything? Because it should. I've learned more about him than I think most girlfriends know about their boyfriends/fiances. And that's a fact. :)
Oi vey. I guess I just go along with things, as long as those things are right, right? Flip. I need someone to just fast-forward time, for me, so I know how this will all play out and I can stop worrying about it. Because I am. I'm worrying about it. There. I said it. I'm worried. But excited? Ahhhhhhh... I just can't picture him being back, anymore. But I want him here more than ever.
Oh wait, am I supposed to tell him all of this? ALL? Ha, not happening. :)
Love,
Kelci
Friday, July 10, 2009
Waiting for this missionary of mine...
So I've been doing a wee bit of research, lately, on ideas for waiting on missionaries, in the hopes that I might be able to provide some helpful hints and suggestions for a friend of mine who's missionary just left two days ago for the MTC. I figure something is better than nothing during that first week -- it's the closest thing that I can compare Hell to being like. It really was that horrible, no exaggerations. Lol. Anywho, I stumbled upon this girl's blog... I think she intended it to be more of a help site for waiting? I ended up reading through one of her latest entries and before I knew it... I felt like blogging again for the first time in about a year! Sometimes, when the inspiration to talk hits, you just gotta go with it! :) Sooo... this probably won't be helpful to anyone else but myself... and maybe Lindsey (the girl waiting), but I just thought I'd share some things that I've learned in the past... oh my gosh, how long has it been now? I don't even keep track, I just try to think of how long is left! Haha. Let's see... about... 15 months now, I've been waiting? Dang. Anyways, this is what I've got:
1. This is your time. Your time to learn about him, to learn about yourself, about your family, his family, about the gospel, about the world around you, about EVERYTHING! He won't want to come home to a girl who's done nothing with her life for the past two years, only to have grown exponentially himself.
2. Dating is a curse. But a blessing in disguise. :) I won't lie, I've hated, HATED dating ever since Ben left -- seriously, it's been horrible. But! From it, I've learned a lot about myself, like what I do and don't like. And what my little mishy-poo does and doesn't have going for him. Another thing that I've promised myself/like to keep in mind is that... who I marry is who I marry. Yes, I've found an AMAZING, beautiful, and wonderful person whom I love with all of my heart. But, if while he's gone, I find someone who blows him out of the water, I'm not willing to pass a blessing like that up. Now... to set the record straight, no such person has come even close... but I'm not shutting my mind off to the possibility, either. It takes a ton of pressure off by thinking this way, you don't have to worry about "what if I marry him and five years down the road wonder if there wasn't something better??" Seriously, it's such a comfort. Which brings me to my next point!!
3. There are doubts -- in EVERYTHING. In that blog that I just paroused, the girl was talking about how she has had doubts, in the past, about she and her missionary. SO HAVE I! And to be honest, I think everyone does, they just don't admit to it. Now, it's whether or not those doubts and feelings of insecurity lessen or leave all together after heart-felt and sincere prayer to our Heavenly Father, that you need to worry. Every time I've prayed about Ben and I and me being insecure at times, I realize that that overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort is a sign that I am where I need to be at this exact moment.
4. Don't assume!!! Oh man, this has been one of my biggest problems! The postal system in Brazil SUCKS. There have been so many times where I won't get a letter for a month or two at a time and I would get so upset thinking that he was just not caring or thinking about me anymore and here I am, over here writing him on a weekly basis still!! Then... five letters would come in the space of a day or two... and I'd feel like an idiot, haha. But, that's only one example! There have been countless times where I do or think things without actually knowing the full story ahead of time and later regret them. Here's my suggestion: Although I've received the feeling of being in the right place at the right time with this whole waiting ordeal, I try to keep in mind that that doesn't necessarily mean that we're going to be together forever, no matter what (although I pray, wish, and hope with all of my heart!!!!!!). If things were to not work out when he gets home, I'd hate to be the girl that he wrote on his mission that he invested all of his time in, that he didn't end up marrying, and completely abandoned the work for. And more than that, if his family doesn't turn out to be my family, I'd hate for his children not to have a father who absorbed and learned as much as possible about the gospel as he could have in those two years that he was privileged to serve a mission.
5. SUPPORT. Again, another weird little thing that I always tell myself for comfort is... "right now is his time to shine. When we're in the labor and delivery room and I'm having his kid, that's my time. And I expect to GET my time." Haha, like I said, it's weird... but it's the best way to think about things, sometimes. It's hard to put aside a lot of your needs (not all, he's not a robot, afterall, and he DOES need to still care about your feelings) and focus on his, but in the end, when you've given him all that you've got and made his mission the best in the entire world, your payback is going to be huge, I just know it! :) And in the end, it'll all be worthwhile. No matter what turn it takes.
6. Growing pains hurt, but you're growing, so it's okay! Maybe I'm the only one... but during that huge growth spurt that everyone hits during the junior high age, my whole body ACHED!! I was growing so fast that my bones were actually hurting from the stress of it all. This is exactly how waiting is -- it hurts like a mother, but with it comes a good 7 inches of growth! ;) Seriously though, I'll be honest right now. The hurting will never stop. It won't, so just realize that because you're hurting, it's just a sure sign that you're probably growing, as well. There's no way that you can't -- with that hurt will inevitably come a deeper understanding of love, a gratitude for that love and presence in your life, and usually, but not always, a deeper desire to be with that incredible man of yours for all eternity. Tying back into number one, like I said before, this is your time to GROOOOWWW! Grow with these growing pains, and in more ways than one! Get into the gospel and more importantly, get into it with him. For me, this mission is a time for Ben and I to grow closer, and I pray every night to our Heavenly Father that we grow closer together not only in our love, but in the gospel, and with Him. Which is my next suggestion...
7. Learn who your Lord and Savior is. By praying to him each and every day, no matter what happens or which way life's paths take you, you'll always have a knowledge of that unabounding love and comfort that He can provide you! This is probably the most important thing I could ever tell you -- become as close to Him as possible, and nothing can defeat you.
I hope this helped someone, somewhere! And everyone, no matter where you're at in life (or the mission) just know that you're loved! :)
Eternally,
Kelci
1. This is your time. Your time to learn about him, to learn about yourself, about your family, his family, about the gospel, about the world around you, about EVERYTHING! He won't want to come home to a girl who's done nothing with her life for the past two years, only to have grown exponentially himself.
2. Dating is a curse. But a blessing in disguise. :) I won't lie, I've hated, HATED dating ever since Ben left -- seriously, it's been horrible. But! From it, I've learned a lot about myself, like what I do and don't like. And what my little mishy-poo does and doesn't have going for him. Another thing that I've promised myself/like to keep in mind is that... who I marry is who I marry. Yes, I've found an AMAZING, beautiful, and wonderful person whom I love with all of my heart. But, if while he's gone, I find someone who blows him out of the water, I'm not willing to pass a blessing like that up. Now... to set the record straight, no such person has come even close... but I'm not shutting my mind off to the possibility, either. It takes a ton of pressure off by thinking this way, you don't have to worry about "what if I marry him and five years down the road wonder if there wasn't something better??" Seriously, it's such a comfort. Which brings me to my next point!!
3. There are doubts -- in EVERYTHING. In that blog that I just paroused, the girl was talking about how she has had doubts, in the past, about she and her missionary. SO HAVE I! And to be honest, I think everyone does, they just don't admit to it. Now, it's whether or not those doubts and feelings of insecurity lessen or leave all together after heart-felt and sincere prayer to our Heavenly Father, that you need to worry. Every time I've prayed about Ben and I and me being insecure at times, I realize that that overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort is a sign that I am where I need to be at this exact moment.
4. Don't assume!!! Oh man, this has been one of my biggest problems! The postal system in Brazil SUCKS. There have been so many times where I won't get a letter for a month or two at a time and I would get so upset thinking that he was just not caring or thinking about me anymore and here I am, over here writing him on a weekly basis still!! Then... five letters would come in the space of a day or two... and I'd feel like an idiot, haha. But, that's only one example! There have been countless times where I do or think things without actually knowing the full story ahead of time and later regret them. Here's my suggestion: Although I've received the feeling of being in the right place at the right time with this whole waiting ordeal, I try to keep in mind that that doesn't necessarily mean that we're going to be together forever, no matter what (although I pray, wish, and hope with all of my heart!!!!!!). If things were to not work out when he gets home, I'd hate to be the girl that he wrote on his mission that he invested all of his time in, that he didn't end up marrying, and completely abandoned the work for. And more than that, if his family doesn't turn out to be my family, I'd hate for his children not to have a father who absorbed and learned as much as possible about the gospel as he could have in those two years that he was privileged to serve a mission.
5. SUPPORT. Again, another weird little thing that I always tell myself for comfort is... "right now is his time to shine. When we're in the labor and delivery room and I'm having his kid, that's my time. And I expect to GET my time." Haha, like I said, it's weird... but it's the best way to think about things, sometimes. It's hard to put aside a lot of your needs (not all, he's not a robot, afterall, and he DOES need to still care about your feelings) and focus on his, but in the end, when you've given him all that you've got and made his mission the best in the entire world, your payback is going to be huge, I just know it! :) And in the end, it'll all be worthwhile. No matter what turn it takes.
6. Growing pains hurt, but you're growing, so it's okay! Maybe I'm the only one... but during that huge growth spurt that everyone hits during the junior high age, my whole body ACHED!! I was growing so fast that my bones were actually hurting from the stress of it all. This is exactly how waiting is -- it hurts like a mother, but with it comes a good 7 inches of growth! ;) Seriously though, I'll be honest right now. The hurting will never stop. It won't, so just realize that because you're hurting, it's just a sure sign that you're probably growing, as well. There's no way that you can't -- with that hurt will inevitably come a deeper understanding of love, a gratitude for that love and presence in your life, and usually, but not always, a deeper desire to be with that incredible man of yours for all eternity. Tying back into number one, like I said before, this is your time to GROOOOWWW! Grow with these growing pains, and in more ways than one! Get into the gospel and more importantly, get into it with him. For me, this mission is a time for Ben and I to grow closer, and I pray every night to our Heavenly Father that we grow closer together not only in our love, but in the gospel, and with Him. Which is my next suggestion...
7. Learn who your Lord and Savior is. By praying to him each and every day, no matter what happens or which way life's paths take you, you'll always have a knowledge of that unabounding love and comfort that He can provide you! This is probably the most important thing I could ever tell you -- become as close to Him as possible, and nothing can defeat you.
I hope this helped someone, somewhere! And everyone, no matter where you're at in life (or the mission) just know that you're loved! :)
Eternally,
Kelci
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