So unoriginal, I realize that, but when words escape my lips and emotion weighs my heart, sometimes music is the only medium to convey the feelings. Such is the case, today.
* * *
As I sped down I-15, on my way to Ben's homecoming, I passed a seemingly average bumper sticker on a pretty normal car, an inconspicuous driver at its wheel. It simply said, "Question Authority". I quietly laugh and shake my head as I switch lanes and exit, not really thinking on it any further... Maybe it got a "oh indie kids... aren't you cute? Look at you getting your liberal face on!" but nothing more. Not then, at least.
Sitting in sacrament meeting, doing my best to tune into the spirit of the meeting, the phrase comes back to my mind... "Question... Authority..." Usually I'd leave the anarchist statement as a sentiment of youthful, ignorant rebellion, but when it alighted in my left temporal lobe, this time the residual connotation was a more positive one -- the power in honestly, sincerely questioning the authority and world around us and eventually finding those pure sources in which you can trust infallibly. I think, for the first time, I saw how great of a gift we've been given, as humans, to decide for ourselves who and what to trust and when. The fact that we can cognitively process emotions and fleeting thoughts is amazing, especially in comparison to the rest of the world's breathing population. We've been given a gift, but who sees it?
* * *
Like Tegan and Sara put it, "I built a wall of books between us in our bed". I do this so often, I get so close to completely letting someone in -- and cave, always a miniscule detail stepping in the way. I get so tired of shutting off, only to completely exhaust myself in trying to reverse the toxin. I think if it weren't for my patriarchal blessing, I might consider giving up the idea of marriage completely; I'm pretty sure any sort of stability doesn't have a place in my near future.
Is there a difference between volatile and abusive? Or can one not exist without the other? Can that deepest sense of darkly romantic love survive without their presence? Or is it considered settling, like Gigi from He's Just Not That Into You, when she goes on the date with the guy, Bill, at the very end and has nothing more than a mediocre time, but is more than willing to be with him because a relationship with him would be so even keeled? She doesn't stay with him, she goes back to the guy who rejected her as she "hurled her body onto his", and at the end, they're head-over-heels for one another... Is this Hollywood or reality? Which is healthier, a relationship, if drawn on an emotional graph, that resembles the jagged, flippant Rocky Mountains or the slow-rolling Adirondacks?
More than anything, I think what I'd like to know is if anyone but God himself has answers. I don't trust science, it does nothing for me. Art, although it makes sense in my mind, makes a completely different statement to the person standing next to me. Who is to say what is what?
* * *
Isn't it ironic that equations that, more than likely, took hundreds of years for great scholars to put together, a third grader learns in the matter of a week? How frustrated they must be, watching from Heaven, as the future generation of tomorrow learns, in a lone week of frustration, the capabilities and functions of a sigma or polynomial that took them years to perfect and understand.
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