Soooo I'm writing a letter to Ben, right now... and it's really weird... because I'm trying to explain my feelings, to him, but seriously am at a loss for words. Everything I say is either contradictory or repeatitive - I can't seem to find a happy, middle-ground that actually makes sense, haha! So I kinda thought that trying to spill it on here, first, might be a bit more helpful in sorting it all out? And then maybe try and transfer it back onto the paper so he knows what's up?
Alright, so here we go... First and foremost, I swear to you, he's NEVER coming home. Never. And to be honest, the thought of him coming home... scares the crap out of me. It's like going on a blind-date with someone you feel as though you've known for all of your existence. Uhhhh... I have this haunting suspicion that... it's going to be... awkward, at first. :\ My life... is so established, at this point, that I almost am starting to question if I really want to incorporate him into it, hahahaha. Buuuuut let's face it, he's already one of the biggest points in it, so I guess the only change will be that instead of dating all of these creepers, I get to start dating my best friend. :) And when he gets back, do we start dating all casually? And if we do, when does it step up into being something serious? And if it does, do we just roll with it? Because I mean, let's face it... I'll be 20 and he'll be 21. Pretty flipping young to be getting married, if you ask me!! And neither one of us will be done with school... and we need to date for a while, but with these two years behind us, how much does that count for in the real dating scene? Anything? Because it should. I've learned more about him than I think most girlfriends know about their boyfriends/fiances. And that's a fact. :)
Oi vey. I guess I just go along with things, as long as those things are right, right? Flip. I need someone to just fast-forward time, for me, so I know how this will all play out and I can stop worrying about it. Because I am. I'm worrying about it. There. I said it. I'm worried. But excited? Ahhhhhhh... I just can't picture him being back, anymore. But I want him here more than ever.
Oh wait, am I supposed to tell him all of this? ALL? Ha, not happening. :)
Love,
Kelci
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Waiting for this missionary of mine...
So I've been doing a wee bit of research, lately, on ideas for waiting on missionaries, in the hopes that I might be able to provide some helpful hints and suggestions for a friend of mine who's missionary just left two days ago for the MTC. I figure something is better than nothing during that first week -- it's the closest thing that I can compare Hell to being like. It really was that horrible, no exaggerations. Lol. Anywho, I stumbled upon this girl's blog... I think she intended it to be more of a help site for waiting? I ended up reading through one of her latest entries and before I knew it... I felt like blogging again for the first time in about a year! Sometimes, when the inspiration to talk hits, you just gotta go with it! :) Sooo... this probably won't be helpful to anyone else but myself... and maybe Lindsey (the girl waiting), but I just thought I'd share some things that I've learned in the past... oh my gosh, how long has it been now? I don't even keep track, I just try to think of how long is left! Haha. Let's see... about... 15 months now, I've been waiting? Dang. Anyways, this is what I've got:
1. This is your time. Your time to learn about him, to learn about yourself, about your family, his family, about the gospel, about the world around you, about EVERYTHING! He won't want to come home to a girl who's done nothing with her life for the past two years, only to have grown exponentially himself.
2. Dating is a curse. But a blessing in disguise. :) I won't lie, I've hated, HATED dating ever since Ben left -- seriously, it's been horrible. But! From it, I've learned a lot about myself, like what I do and don't like. And what my little mishy-poo does and doesn't have going for him. Another thing that I've promised myself/like to keep in mind is that... who I marry is who I marry. Yes, I've found an AMAZING, beautiful, and wonderful person whom I love with all of my heart. But, if while he's gone, I find someone who blows him out of the water, I'm not willing to pass a blessing like that up. Now... to set the record straight, no such person has come even close... but I'm not shutting my mind off to the possibility, either. It takes a ton of pressure off by thinking this way, you don't have to worry about "what if I marry him and five years down the road wonder if there wasn't something better??" Seriously, it's such a comfort. Which brings me to my next point!!
3. There are doubts -- in EVERYTHING. In that blog that I just paroused, the girl was talking about how she has had doubts, in the past, about she and her missionary. SO HAVE I! And to be honest, I think everyone does, they just don't admit to it. Now, it's whether or not those doubts and feelings of insecurity lessen or leave all together after heart-felt and sincere prayer to our Heavenly Father, that you need to worry. Every time I've prayed about Ben and I and me being insecure at times, I realize that that overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort is a sign that I am where I need to be at this exact moment.
4. Don't assume!!! Oh man, this has been one of my biggest problems! The postal system in Brazil SUCKS. There have been so many times where I won't get a letter for a month or two at a time and I would get so upset thinking that he was just not caring or thinking about me anymore and here I am, over here writing him on a weekly basis still!! Then... five letters would come in the space of a day or two... and I'd feel like an idiot, haha. But, that's only one example! There have been countless times where I do or think things without actually knowing the full story ahead of time and later regret them. Here's my suggestion: Although I've received the feeling of being in the right place at the right time with this whole waiting ordeal, I try to keep in mind that that doesn't necessarily mean that we're going to be together forever, no matter what (although I pray, wish, and hope with all of my heart!!!!!!). If things were to not work out when he gets home, I'd hate to be the girl that he wrote on his mission that he invested all of his time in, that he didn't end up marrying, and completely abandoned the work for. And more than that, if his family doesn't turn out to be my family, I'd hate for his children not to have a father who absorbed and learned as much as possible about the gospel as he could have in those two years that he was privileged to serve a mission.
5. SUPPORT. Again, another weird little thing that I always tell myself for comfort is... "right now is his time to shine. When we're in the labor and delivery room and I'm having his kid, that's my time. And I expect to GET my time." Haha, like I said, it's weird... but it's the best way to think about things, sometimes. It's hard to put aside a lot of your needs (not all, he's not a robot, afterall, and he DOES need to still care about your feelings) and focus on his, but in the end, when you've given him all that you've got and made his mission the best in the entire world, your payback is going to be huge, I just know it! :) And in the end, it'll all be worthwhile. No matter what turn it takes.
6. Growing pains hurt, but you're growing, so it's okay! Maybe I'm the only one... but during that huge growth spurt that everyone hits during the junior high age, my whole body ACHED!! I was growing so fast that my bones were actually hurting from the stress of it all. This is exactly how waiting is -- it hurts like a mother, but with it comes a good 7 inches of growth! ;) Seriously though, I'll be honest right now. The hurting will never stop. It won't, so just realize that because you're hurting, it's just a sure sign that you're probably growing, as well. There's no way that you can't -- with that hurt will inevitably come a deeper understanding of love, a gratitude for that love and presence in your life, and usually, but not always, a deeper desire to be with that incredible man of yours for all eternity. Tying back into number one, like I said before, this is your time to GROOOOWWW! Grow with these growing pains, and in more ways than one! Get into the gospel and more importantly, get into it with him. For me, this mission is a time for Ben and I to grow closer, and I pray every night to our Heavenly Father that we grow closer together not only in our love, but in the gospel, and with Him. Which is my next suggestion...
7. Learn who your Lord and Savior is. By praying to him each and every day, no matter what happens or which way life's paths take you, you'll always have a knowledge of that unabounding love and comfort that He can provide you! This is probably the most important thing I could ever tell you -- become as close to Him as possible, and nothing can defeat you.
I hope this helped someone, somewhere! And everyone, no matter where you're at in life (or the mission) just know that you're loved! :)
Eternally,
Kelci
1. This is your time. Your time to learn about him, to learn about yourself, about your family, his family, about the gospel, about the world around you, about EVERYTHING! He won't want to come home to a girl who's done nothing with her life for the past two years, only to have grown exponentially himself.
2. Dating is a curse. But a blessing in disguise. :) I won't lie, I've hated, HATED dating ever since Ben left -- seriously, it's been horrible. But! From it, I've learned a lot about myself, like what I do and don't like. And what my little mishy-poo does and doesn't have going for him. Another thing that I've promised myself/like to keep in mind is that... who I marry is who I marry. Yes, I've found an AMAZING, beautiful, and wonderful person whom I love with all of my heart. But, if while he's gone, I find someone who blows him out of the water, I'm not willing to pass a blessing like that up. Now... to set the record straight, no such person has come even close... but I'm not shutting my mind off to the possibility, either. It takes a ton of pressure off by thinking this way, you don't have to worry about "what if I marry him and five years down the road wonder if there wasn't something better??" Seriously, it's such a comfort. Which brings me to my next point!!
3. There are doubts -- in EVERYTHING. In that blog that I just paroused, the girl was talking about how she has had doubts, in the past, about she and her missionary. SO HAVE I! And to be honest, I think everyone does, they just don't admit to it. Now, it's whether or not those doubts and feelings of insecurity lessen or leave all together after heart-felt and sincere prayer to our Heavenly Father, that you need to worry. Every time I've prayed about Ben and I and me being insecure at times, I realize that that overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort is a sign that I am where I need to be at this exact moment.
4. Don't assume!!! Oh man, this has been one of my biggest problems! The postal system in Brazil SUCKS. There have been so many times where I won't get a letter for a month or two at a time and I would get so upset thinking that he was just not caring or thinking about me anymore and here I am, over here writing him on a weekly basis still!! Then... five letters would come in the space of a day or two... and I'd feel like an idiot, haha. But, that's only one example! There have been countless times where I do or think things without actually knowing the full story ahead of time and later regret them. Here's my suggestion: Although I've received the feeling of being in the right place at the right time with this whole waiting ordeal, I try to keep in mind that that doesn't necessarily mean that we're going to be together forever, no matter what (although I pray, wish, and hope with all of my heart!!!!!!). If things were to not work out when he gets home, I'd hate to be the girl that he wrote on his mission that he invested all of his time in, that he didn't end up marrying, and completely abandoned the work for. And more than that, if his family doesn't turn out to be my family, I'd hate for his children not to have a father who absorbed and learned as much as possible about the gospel as he could have in those two years that he was privileged to serve a mission.
5. SUPPORT. Again, another weird little thing that I always tell myself for comfort is... "right now is his time to shine. When we're in the labor and delivery room and I'm having his kid, that's my time. And I expect to GET my time." Haha, like I said, it's weird... but it's the best way to think about things, sometimes. It's hard to put aside a lot of your needs (not all, he's not a robot, afterall, and he DOES need to still care about your feelings) and focus on his, but in the end, when you've given him all that you've got and made his mission the best in the entire world, your payback is going to be huge, I just know it! :) And in the end, it'll all be worthwhile. No matter what turn it takes.
6. Growing pains hurt, but you're growing, so it's okay! Maybe I'm the only one... but during that huge growth spurt that everyone hits during the junior high age, my whole body ACHED!! I was growing so fast that my bones were actually hurting from the stress of it all. This is exactly how waiting is -- it hurts like a mother, but with it comes a good 7 inches of growth! ;) Seriously though, I'll be honest right now. The hurting will never stop. It won't, so just realize that because you're hurting, it's just a sure sign that you're probably growing, as well. There's no way that you can't -- with that hurt will inevitably come a deeper understanding of love, a gratitude for that love and presence in your life, and usually, but not always, a deeper desire to be with that incredible man of yours for all eternity. Tying back into number one, like I said before, this is your time to GROOOOWWW! Grow with these growing pains, and in more ways than one! Get into the gospel and more importantly, get into it with him. For me, this mission is a time for Ben and I to grow closer, and I pray every night to our Heavenly Father that we grow closer together not only in our love, but in the gospel, and with Him. Which is my next suggestion...
7. Learn who your Lord and Savior is. By praying to him each and every day, no matter what happens or which way life's paths take you, you'll always have a knowledge of that unabounding love and comfort that He can provide you! This is probably the most important thing I could ever tell you -- become as close to Him as possible, and nothing can defeat you.
I hope this helped someone, somewhere! And everyone, no matter where you're at in life (or the mission) just know that you're loved! :)
Eternally,
Kelci
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