. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .: December 2009

Following suit with the rest of the world, I've been doing a lot of reflection on the past year of my life... at times going month by month, sometimes event by event, even moving through time person by person. I've learned so much, grown so much, I have a hard time believing that it was truly me experiencing all of this. And perhaps it wasn't much at all, but to the one going through the motions of it all, it was monumentous. Who knows if what happened to me in this past year will ever affect another's life...

Whether it does or it doesn't, I still have some things that I feel as though are finally ready to have the light of day shed on them. :)

As stated before, my mind hasn't necessarily found a set organization to group life's events in, yet, so as I move through this past year, it'll probably be a nice range between all of the forementioned. Bear with me. It's going to be a long one.

New Year's Eve... 2009... Baylee, Jadden, and I all went up to the U's institute dance. It was the first time that we saw each other since things... had ended? Also, it was the last time I ever saw him -- regretfully so. He's married now, though! I bring this all up for two reasons:

1. He's married. So marriage, I guess. We dated, for a while, and, I'm sorry to say, I let it go on a lot longer than I ever should have. Jadden is one of the sweetest, most humble, caring men that you'll ever meet -- but we would have NEVER worked. Oh, oh sweet destruction. My goodness, we were such polar opposites... He taught me so much about the dating/marriage world, the experience forever changed me. I realized, from that point on out, I couldn't just date whoever, flopping around, doing whatever. I wasn't, am not, and never will be the "off-roading enthusiast" type that he needed, that was for sure!! I need sweet, cute, cardigan-wearing nerds. :) That like big nerdy books and games and like art and... don't find me to be any bigger of a nerd than they are. I need an equal, above all. NOT SAYING THAT HE WASN'T!!! We couldn't even be compared, as a matter of fact, because we were just so different. Which was the problem entirely.

2. I realized, fully realized, for the first time, hearts were breakable.

Perhaps not even a week after the outing, Baylee and I went to yet another life-changing party: "Nate's Birthday Bash". We met and hung out with Bryson and Justin for the first time, hahaha. Oh dear... I laugh now, but only at... our ignorance. Little did we know that we'd both fall -- hard enough to break bones.

I can't speak for my little Baylee Boo, but I can honestly say that I became closer to Bryson than any other I've ever known. I don't know if I ever made any lasting impressions on him, but he most certainly did for me. He taught me, first and foremost, love wasn't strictly physical, intimacy wasn't purely skin on skin. By so fully exposing his own to me, he made me see my heart for what it truely was, what it contained, what an opened mind could do. For approximately 6 months, I was blessed enough to bathe in the poetry of his life and the talents he possessed.

From my Bryson, I saw what beauty really was.

My birthday rolled around in March... Baylee outdid herself, yet again. :) She totally planned a surprise party, for me, at The Old Spaghetti Factory. She's seriously got to be the cutest thing, 9 times out of 10. Wow, did I take her for granted!!!! Sheesh. We started out the year as roommates and left as soul-mates. I'm not kidding. I know she hated me all those times that I was overbearing and motherly... or when I made her communicate, hahahaha, or when I told her that I was "practicing for a future marriage!" ... but she always stuck with me. She always loved me, which was the even more shocking part of it all! It's funny, in the end, she taught me more about communication, more about relationships, more about being a mom, more about everything! Like I said, the girl's amazing. Downright amazing.

Eventually, the day that we had all been anticipating; (that's a lie, pretty sure I was the only one who was anxiously anticipating it) BEN DAY. Not only did the ever so wonderful Miss Katie clear out her schedule to do absolutely nothing and everything in one whole day, so did my beautiful roommates, Tristen, Justine, and Baylee (poor thing got dragged everywhere!). Tristen made me a surprise cake... while I was in the kitchen... and hurried to decorate it while I was studying in the library -- it was adorable! Hahahaha, I only wish I had pictures to post. :) Justine, Katie, Baylee and I all ran around the Provo/Orem area, doing this odd-job list of things that Ben had sent for us to do and also things that we had come up with ourselves. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but these girls didn't have to celebrate the one-year-mark for a missionary they weren't waiting on... Two of which had never even met the kid! But they did, with smiling faces, as well! Why? Phhhh, like I know. I guess because they were there to show me what being a sister was like. Yeah... :) These really are my go-to girls. I cry to them... Laugh with them... Complain... Whine... everything. They really are my sisters and they really have helped to create a sense of Zion in my life.

The summer moved through with all of the regular up's and down's... I worked as an aide for the Tooele County Seniors, doing personal, home-care for elderly clients all over Tooele Co. I was so hesitant, at first, to accept the position -- with good reason; I wasn't looking forward to poop smears. Looking back, I'd have to attribute one of the largest portions of my growing to this job. I can't really put it all into words, but I will say this much: I don't know of any greater joy I've ever felt than when taking care of another.

Just as all temporal things do, the summer came to a quiet close and I returned to Provo and school, this time with a replacement -- Jessica came in Baylee's stead, as my roommate. Interestingly enough, when I asked her to come with me, down to UVU, I assumed that I was acting as a blessing in her life -- not the other way around. But, as they always seem to, this too had a flip-side.

I'd have to say, all in all, the biggest thing Jessica's taught me is the power of revelation. When she's in-tune with the Spirit... Ohhhhh baby, watch out. Her rubbing off even the slightest bit of that light she has will open your mind to so many new ideas, concepts, mysteries... she leaves your head spinning for days, at least. Jessica has made me want to be better, to feel the Spirit as strongly as she can, and to be in constant communication like that.

These next two... are out of chronological order... but needed to be in here, somewhere. First is Sean, my facebook compardre and counterpart. The second is Ruthie, my savior, this year. These two... are in no way visibly connected. Other than they're both big art nerds. :) But from both, I've learned something beyond value: nothing can compare to who you really are. It's crazy, to my little baby brain, to think about how much these two have embraced what/who they are -- good and bad! More than anything, and better than any predeccesor's attempts, they've shown me sincere, home-grown originality. :)Last but not least, I wanted to reflect on one of the most incredible families I've ever experienced. I went to the Stanfield's, this Christmas, in hopes of talking to Ben. The last phone call home... Scary. Straight up.

Anywho, I went over and was allowed to listen in while he talked with the family and to his best friend, Jordan. I sat there... and basked. Going to their house is like sitting in a hot tub of love, no joke. His parents are... beyond sweet. And his siblings and their families are all so accepting, they immediately took me in, no questions asked! Quite the difference from my family!! Hahaha, poor kid!

Eventually, though, after everyone else had their turns, I was given complete privacy to talk to Ben... Tears are welling up, as I write this, I'm so grateful. Wow. Saying that he's my best friend would be a complete understatement. I know it sounds cliche, but I mean this: he completes my heart -- and then some. Talking with him, I was filled beyond capacity... I really never thought I'd love another like this; I didn't think it possible, to be honest!! But I do. Oh, do I ever.

More than anyone, or anything, Ben has taught me the most in the year 2009. Through the Lord (using him as a tool), my goals, thoughts, aspirations, dreams, everything has been changed for the better. Again, words can't begin to tell of the changes of my heart that have taken place, Ben being the direct cause. What I can say, however, is that I will forever be grateful for the opportunity to spend these last two years supporting him, to be a temporary member of the Stanfield family.

I'm not ready, nor do I think I ever will be, to be a mom and a wife... but simply knowing Ben has brought me closer to that point than I ever thought possible. Weekly sermons and relentless teasing and all, I love the kid. I've never, never, never known someone to be so beautiful, both inside and out, flaws and all. Just seeing him sincerely trying to be better makes me want to be so much more. It's that shining example that's really pushed me, this year. For a while, I even seriously considered a mission, feeling as though I coud never reach such great heights as he has.

All in all, I can't wait to have my best friend home. April couldn't come soon enough.

Yes, I have a feeling that 2010 will be even more wonderful than the last. :)

Happy New Year, everyone. May you find blessings behind every corner and gratitude in every heart! Peace be with you.

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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

trails of our own.

The Looking Glass.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Bleeding Love... :)

Lymrics of the heart.

The Vault